The wait is finally over. The new life has begun. A huge step has been taken.
These are the phrases of my current existence. The hero has a job as a hero now. Stability is in our grasp. Only then I quit my job. Yup, you read that right. I Q.U.I.T my job. This is a step I've been waiting to take for a while now. I've felt as though I outgrew this place in my life long ago and I've been wearing its ill fitting remnants for far to long.
Finally the freedom. Finally the choice to have the time rather than the choice to make the time.
There are many new adventures that are waiting in the coming months. Adventures that are purposeful and adventures that are not.
Either way it's a change and change is good, scary, relieving, exciting, terrifying, all-encompassing, and overwhelming all at once.
The wanting never stops and maybe some of those wants will be in my possession. Maybe I'll hate it and maybe I'll love it. Either way I welcome you to the journey. I'm sure you'll get a few laughs out of it, if nothing else.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Retracing my steps...
Often times I find myself lost in a sea of expectations, no longer able to establish which are mine and which are foreign. Pulling myself through their mass is a daily trial which I feel as though I fail minute by minute, my strength ebbing away, my resolve growing dull, and my struggle growing with every stroke.
Looking around I see that I am lost.I am desperate to find the expectations and goals I carefully set for myself such a short time ago.
Today I recommit to finding the bread crumbs, the foot steps, which I hope still remain.
The sense of self I once had, the person I wanted to be, has drowned. Held down by the weight of it's full pack stuffed to the brim with adult responsibility, practicality, prudence, and the fear of failure.
This is a death I will morn no more. A new life, daily dreams, and a sense that I am meant to be only what I do not what I predict takes seed in it's place. No tears, no self-loathing, no pedestals to stand on or climb shamefully off of.
I am only what I expect of myself. I expect great things. I do great things.
Looking around I see that I am lost.I am desperate to find the expectations and goals I carefully set for myself such a short time ago.
Today I recommit to finding the bread crumbs, the foot steps, which I hope still remain.
The sense of self I once had, the person I wanted to be, has drowned. Held down by the weight of it's full pack stuffed to the brim with adult responsibility, practicality, prudence, and the fear of failure.
This is a death I will morn no more. A new life, daily dreams, and a sense that I am meant to be only what I do not what I predict takes seed in it's place. No tears, no self-loathing, no pedestals to stand on or climb shamefully off of.
I am only what I expect of myself. I expect great things. I do great things.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Inspirational
I am lucky enough to have some amazing people in my life, some who live close and some who live far across the country. I am even luckier to be gifted with those people's support and friendship. Yes, this shiz is gonna get a little weepy up in her.
I have undergone some transforming the last couple of weeks. Due to some personal and professional changes I've made, my life has become a rather interesting little self-made monster. I am jumping over some serious hurdles in my life right now and at this point in the race I'm looking behind me and seeing a lot of hurdles on the ground and not many left standing. I, however, am still standing, and it's due to the aforementioned people in my life that I am not face down in a rather disgusting pool of my own slobber/tears and melted chocolate chip mint ice cream.
I have always masqueraded as a very strong, independent woman who has a plan and solution for everything. I might have a plan for everything but rarely does it ever go as I wish it to and although I may be independent in many ways (i.e. cleaning myself, feeding myself, dressing myself, etc...) I would be absolutely nothing without the "rocks" that seems to hold me up on my life path. So for those of you reading (you know who you are) I say a tremendously loud and probably obnoxious thank you.
I have learned that you certainly cannot plan for everything and I am slowly accepting the fact that the plans that I make are not always as awesome as I think they are. Sometimes you go with the flow of life and sometimes life picks you up and throws you against the flow until you get the freaking point. So, I get the point, and I although I might be a little worse for wear right now I am happy that it took me so long to get the point. Otherwise I wouldn't be who I am today.
Some people learn from their mistakes and some people are a giant walking mistake. I'm the last one <-------right here y'all. You've got to own it right?
So yeah. Slobbery, weepy goodness and touchy feely stuff right?
Well at least I'm not sulking right?
I have undergone some transforming the last couple of weeks. Due to some personal and professional changes I've made, my life has become a rather interesting little self-made monster. I am jumping over some serious hurdles in my life right now and at this point in the race I'm looking behind me and seeing a lot of hurdles on the ground and not many left standing. I, however, am still standing, and it's due to the aforementioned people in my life that I am not face down in a rather disgusting pool of my own slobber/tears and melted chocolate chip mint ice cream.
I have always masqueraded as a very strong, independent woman who has a plan and solution for everything. I might have a plan for everything but rarely does it ever go as I wish it to and although I may be independent in many ways (i.e. cleaning myself, feeding myself, dressing myself, etc...) I would be absolutely nothing without the "rocks" that seems to hold me up on my life path. So for those of you reading (you know who you are) I say a tremendously loud and probably obnoxious thank you.
I have learned that you certainly cannot plan for everything and I am slowly accepting the fact that the plans that I make are not always as awesome as I think they are. Sometimes you go with the flow of life and sometimes life picks you up and throws you against the flow until you get the freaking point. So, I get the point, and I although I might be a little worse for wear right now I am happy that it took me so long to get the point. Otherwise I wouldn't be who I am today.
Some people learn from their mistakes and some people are a giant walking mistake. I'm the last one <-------right here y'all. You've got to own it right?
So yeah. Slobbery, weepy goodness and touchy feely stuff right?
Well at least I'm not sulking right?
Thursday, March 3, 2011
M.I.A
Dear Blog,
I've neglected you. I'm sorry if your feelings are hurt....
Love,
Me.
So this whole resolution this is really hard, and so far I am not doing so great. This is partially due to laziness, partially do to the fact that my life has become 80 times more complicated in the last week that I ever could have imagined, and partially due to the fact that I probably over-resolved.
Quick Recap:
1) Do as least 25-30 reps on my teeny, tiny, girly 2lb weights everyday.
* I've kinda done this. Not everyday but at least 4 times so far....so, um, I haven't totally failed.
2) Eat at least 1 of the foods on this, The 30 Healthiest Foods , list every day.
* I'm actually accomplishing this....sort of. I have had Kale for lunch everyday, eat Broccoli at least 8 times, and eaten sweet potatoes, whole wheat pasta, etc.
** I should try more foods...still working on it....
3) Say something positive about myself everyday.
*Not succeeding.
4) Bake at least 4 times.
*Hoping to do some this weekend but have not baked as of today. Unless you count roasting, which I do everyday basically.
5) Try at least 4 new recipes.
*Failing...
6) Write/Journal everyday.
* Epically failing, thus the MIA status.
7) Have at least 2 nights out with a friend or friends.
*Totally succeeding. YAY SOCIAL LIFE!
8) Hike at least 4 times.
*First hike happens tomorrow.
9) Deep clean the house.
* I surfaced cleaned and maintained. That is pretty much all I've had time for so far.
10) Work out for a least 2 hours a week.
*Half failing. You do the math.
11) Get a new haircut.
*So far no....
12) Find a 12th resolution.
* Start CNA program
* Goal completed on both accounts.
So, there we have it. There has been progress, but there will most likely be less progress as the time goes on. With school and now with "The Hero" having to fly home for an interview things have become over-scheduled pretty quickly.
Hopefully I'll be able to complete a few on the list. I mean I'm not "winning" at life like Charlie Sheen, but I'm trying dammit!
Go Get'um Winners!
I've neglected you. I'm sorry if your feelings are hurt....
Love,
Me.
So this whole resolution this is really hard, and so far I am not doing so great. This is partially due to laziness, partially do to the fact that my life has become 80 times more complicated in the last week that I ever could have imagined, and partially due to the fact that I probably over-resolved.
Quick Recap:
1) Do as least 25-30 reps on my teeny, tiny, girly 2lb weights everyday.
* I've kinda done this. Not everyday but at least 4 times so far....so, um, I haven't totally failed.
2) Eat at least 1 of the foods on this, The 30 Healthiest Foods , list every day.
* I'm actually accomplishing this....sort of. I have had Kale for lunch everyday, eat Broccoli at least 8 times, and eaten sweet potatoes, whole wheat pasta, etc.
** I should try more foods...still working on it....
3) Say something positive about myself everyday.
*Not succeeding.
4) Bake at least 4 times.
*Hoping to do some this weekend but have not baked as of today. Unless you count roasting, which I do everyday basically.
5) Try at least 4 new recipes.
*Failing...
6) Write/Journal everyday.
* Epically failing, thus the MIA status.
7) Have at least 2 nights out with a friend or friends.
*Totally succeeding. YAY SOCIAL LIFE!
8) Hike at least 4 times.
*First hike happens tomorrow.
9) Deep clean the house.
* I surfaced cleaned and maintained. That is pretty much all I've had time for so far.
10) Work out for a least 2 hours a week.
*Half failing. You do the math.
11) Get a new haircut.
*So far no....
12) Find a 12th resolution.
* Start CNA program
* Goal completed on both accounts.
So, there we have it. There has been progress, but there will most likely be less progress as the time goes on. With school and now with "The Hero" having to fly home for an interview things have become over-scheduled pretty quickly.
Hopefully I'll be able to complete a few on the list. I mean I'm not "winning" at life like Charlie Sheen, but I'm trying dammit!
Go Get'um Winners!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
I have a problem
So, because I wear this...
It makes me smell like these....
Which makes me want to make these....
Lemon-Cream Sandwich Cookies
Bon Appétit
January 2009
From Citizen Cake in San Francisco, CA
The zesty lemon-cream filling for the cookies can be made one day ahead. Cover and refrigerate the filling; bring it to room temperature before using.
Yield: Makes about 24 cookies
Filling:
1 1/2 tablespoons finely grated lemon peel
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, at room temperature
2 cups (packed) powdered sugar
Cookies:
1/2 cup fresh lemon juice
1 tablespoon finely grated lemon peel
3 3/4 cups all purpose flour
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, room temperature
1 1/2 cups sugar
2 large eggs
2 large egg yolks
For filling:
Using back of spoon, mash lemon peel and salt to paste in medium bowl. Add butter. Using electric mixer, beat until fluffy. Add sugar in 4 batches, beating after each addition until blended.
For cookies:
Boil lemon juice and lemon peel in small saucepan until mixture is reduced to 2 tablespoons, about 4 minutes. Pour into small bowl and cool. Sift flour, salt, and baking soda into medium bowl.
Using electric mixer, beat butter in large bowl until fluffy. Add sugar; beat until blended. Beat in eggs, 1 at a time, then beat in yolks. Beat in lemon juice mixture. Add dry ingredients and stir to blend well. Cover dough and chill until firm, at least 4 hours and up to 1 day.
Preheat oven to 375°F. Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper. Roll out 1/3 of dough on lightly floured surface to scant 3/8-inch thickness. Using 2-inch round cutter, cut out cookies. Transfer cookies to prepared baking sheets. Bake cookies, 1 sheet at a time, until golden at edges, about 12 minutes. Let cookies cool 5 minutes. Transfer to racks and cool completely. Repeat with remaining dough.
Spread 2 teaspoons filling on flat side of 1 cookie. Top with another cookie, flat side down. Repeat to make more sandwich cookies. DO AHEAD: Can be made 2 days ahead. Store airtight in refrigerator.
Which makes me think of this...
All of these things remind me of this...
But when I look outside I remember that it is still like this...
Which makes me feel like this...
Maybe I should just make cookies...
http://www.hairproducts.com/showimage.php?img=hp-bea-wat114.jpg&preset=2&otherl=
It makes me smell like these....
Which makes me want to make these....
Lemon-Cream Sandwich Cookies
Bon Appétit
January 2009
From Citizen Cake in San Francisco, CA
The zesty lemon-cream filling for the cookies can be made one day ahead. Cover and refrigerate the filling; bring it to room temperature before using.
Yield: Makes about 24 cookies
Filling:
1 1/2 tablespoons finely grated lemon peel
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, at room temperature
2 cups (packed) powdered sugar
Cookies:
1/2 cup fresh lemon juice
1 tablespoon finely grated lemon peel
3 3/4 cups all purpose flour
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, room temperature
1 1/2 cups sugar
2 large eggs
2 large egg yolks
For filling:
Using back of spoon, mash lemon peel and salt to paste in medium bowl. Add butter. Using electric mixer, beat until fluffy. Add sugar in 4 batches, beating after each addition until blended.
For cookies:
Boil lemon juice and lemon peel in small saucepan until mixture is reduced to 2 tablespoons, about 4 minutes. Pour into small bowl and cool. Sift flour, salt, and baking soda into medium bowl.
Using electric mixer, beat butter in large bowl until fluffy. Add sugar; beat until blended. Beat in eggs, 1 at a time, then beat in yolks. Beat in lemon juice mixture. Add dry ingredients and stir to blend well. Cover dough and chill until firm, at least 4 hours and up to 1 day.
Preheat oven to 375°F. Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper. Roll out 1/3 of dough on lightly floured surface to scant 3/8-inch thickness. Using 2-inch round cutter, cut out cookies. Transfer cookies to prepared baking sheets. Bake cookies, 1 sheet at a time, until golden at edges, about 12 minutes. Let cookies cool 5 minutes. Transfer to racks and cool completely. Repeat with remaining dough.
Spread 2 teaspoons filling on flat side of 1 cookie. Top with another cookie, flat side down. Repeat to make more sandwich cookies. DO AHEAD: Can be made 2 days ahead. Store airtight in refrigerator.
Which makes me think of this...
All of these things remind me of this...
But when I look outside I remember that it is still like this...
Which makes me feel like this...
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXzBZ7zkIEdK4Bbtn0kJwmN6zPJ6FH9PAuZjnSp2JmU9xo6ZumseSOg1q5aIb4gVZGDdOwAiAhbVtvhFzW5JufSD0nzrM5J9ewh3rpk4qXBwQpj59GSL8iI6AskGCE6wt_IsOYcRg/s1600-h/baby+crying
Maybe I should just make cookies...
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Technical Difficulties
I wrote a post this morning. It was witty and filled with easily digestible pictures. You would have laughed, and cried, and awed at the magnificence of said blog post. However, this post would not do as its name suggests it should. I couldn't get the content to load, couldn't get the photos to come up, then blogger crashed on me. So I gave up...
Weirdly enough, this really reflects a lot of events in my life of late. "The Hero" and I have been on a life roller coaster for a while now and I must say my rather queasy self is ready to get the hell off of it. Something good happens and slowly, very slowly we *click* *click* *click* to the top of that hill, the anticipation builds, the butterflies frenzy in our stomachs, until we rush down the hill, our bodies life, and we *thunk* at the bottom, our stomachs and nerves brought quickly back to reality of level track, but before we can process and comprehend the meaning of our return we look up and *whoosh* we are speeding, tilting around another corner.
I think many people of my age, our age, are facing similar transitional times in their lives. As a control freak, and believe me I am a Control FREAK, this is really a difficult thing to deal with. I really want to be able to plan my life out moment by moment for the next 10 years, and the thought that it could all change in a month, a day, a week, a year, etc. makes me absolutely sick, and I mean physically sick. However, I am learning to live more in the moment and I am slowly, ever so very, very, very slowly learning to let go of my need to have knowledge and control over my life. I need to learn to give up. Just like I gave up on trying to get my post to work this morning, I need to give up on trying to know how things are going to turn out and just accept where I am.
But... I swear to the spot of super glue on my desk, if one more person tells me that "things will work out, you just need to be patient" I will lose my freaking brain goo all over there favorite outfit.
In the words of the famous writer, Kathleen Norris-
What are you trying to give up on?
Weirdly enough, this really reflects a lot of events in my life of late. "The Hero" and I have been on a life roller coaster for a while now and I must say my rather queasy self is ready to get the hell off of it. Something good happens and slowly, very slowly we *click* *click* *click* to the top of that hill, the anticipation builds, the butterflies frenzy in our stomachs, until we rush down the hill, our bodies life, and we *thunk* at the bottom, our stomachs and nerves brought quickly back to reality of level track, but before we can process and comprehend the meaning of our return we look up and *whoosh* we are speeding, tilting around another corner.
I think many people of my age, our age, are facing similar transitional times in their lives. As a control freak, and believe me I am a Control FREAK, this is really a difficult thing to deal with. I really want to be able to plan my life out moment by moment for the next 10 years, and the thought that it could all change in a month, a day, a week, a year, etc. makes me absolutely sick, and I mean physically sick. However, I am learning to live more in the moment and I am slowly, ever so very, very, very slowly learning to let go of my need to have knowledge and control over my life. I need to learn to give up. Just like I gave up on trying to get my post to work this morning, I need to give up on trying to know how things are going to turn out and just accept where I am.
But... I swear to the spot of super glue on my desk, if one more person tells me that "things will work out, you just need to be patient" I will lose my freaking brain goo all over there favorite outfit.
In the words of the famous writer, Kathleen Norris-
"When you are unhappy, is anything more maddening than to be told you should be contented with your lot in life?"
What are you trying to give up on?
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Resolving...
Ok. So its February (the end of February at that...) and I am a little (a lot) late to the game on the whole resolution thing, but what can I say? I'm non-traditional, I go against the grain, I fly by the seat of my ill-fitting pants...
Alright. That is quite enough of that.
Anyway, soon my husband will be going out of town for a month and it will be just me and my psychotic/hyper-active/passive aggressive Border Collie, Olive for 30 days. So I figured rather than pine away on my velveteen and gold embroidered fainting couch (*snort* *cough* stained, 2 year old , put-it-together yourself you lazy American, covered in dirty/maybe clean laundry, Ikea couch) for the next month, that I would put together a list of fancy/interesting things that I will resolve to do over the next 30 days to keep my punk a$& busy.
1) Do as least 25-30 reps on my teeny, tiny, girly 2lb weights everyday.
* So I can get super hunky and ripped. Someone better put my vet on stand-by because I think my pythons are gonna get SICK. *insert fist-bump here*
2) Eat at least 1 of the foods on this, The 30 Healthiest Foods , list every day.
* The last time "The Hero" went away I ate roasted yams and tilapia every.single.night. It was an accident at first but then it turned into this thing that I will never live down. It was sad and I don't want to repeat it. Plus, I may have turned slightly orange and scaly....
3) Say something positive about myself everyday.
* Insert witty comment about the dwindling self-confidence of American women*
4) Bake at least 4 times.
* I used to bake nearly every weekend. It was a way to feel homey and productive when I was in school. Now it's become a way to make a lot of dishes I don't want to clean. I would like to change that.
5) Try at least 4 new recipes.
* See aforementioned meal rut status*
6) Write/Journal everyday.
* Because I have important things to say about the very unimportant things I do in life, dammit!
7) Have at least 2 nights out with a friend or friends.
* Apparently being a hermit isn't cool anymore and having conversations with your dog while walking in the neighborhood makes people suspicious of your mental status. Life's little lessons.
8) Hike at least 4 times.
* For physical exercise and to lord it over my husband who will be residing in a place where a speed bump is considered a hike.
9) Deep clean the house.
* Because there is a show called Hoarders now, and you really don't want people to see the things you have unhealthy emotional attachments too.
**Additional plus-having more space in the micro-dot apartment we live in.
10) Work out for a least 2 hours a week.
* Dog walking doesn't count and neither does getting ready really fast because you over slept. ( I swear, I'm not this lazy...all the time.)
11) Get a new haircut.
* Its old, its faded, and I am really, really, REALLY sick of it.
12) Find a 12th resolution.
* Because odd numbers freak me out. Don't judge.
So. That's my list. Will you join me? Will you laugh at me behind my back? Will you not care?
The choice is yours my friends. The choice is yours.
I now leave you with this....
You're Welcome.
Alright. That is quite enough of that.
Anyway, soon my husband will be going out of town for a month and it will be just me and my psychotic/hyper-active/passive aggressive Border Collie, Olive for 30 days. So I figured rather than pine away on my velveteen and gold embroidered fainting couch (*snort* *cough* stained, 2 year old , put-it-together yourself you lazy American, covered in dirty/maybe clean laundry, Ikea couch) for the next month, that I would put together a list of fancy/interesting things that I will resolve to do over the next 30 days to keep my punk a$& busy.
1) Do as least 25-30 reps on my teeny, tiny, girly 2lb weights everyday.
* So I can get super hunky and ripped. Someone better put my vet on stand-by because I think my pythons are gonna get SICK. *insert fist-bump here*
2) Eat at least 1 of the foods on this, The 30 Healthiest Foods , list every day.
* The last time "The Hero" went away I ate roasted yams and tilapia every.single.night. It was an accident at first but then it turned into this thing that I will never live down. It was sad and I don't want to repeat it. Plus, I may have turned slightly orange and scaly....
3) Say something positive about myself everyday.
* Insert witty comment about the dwindling self-confidence of American women*
4) Bake at least 4 times.
* I used to bake nearly every weekend. It was a way to feel homey and productive when I was in school. Now it's become a way to make a lot of dishes I don't want to clean. I would like to change that.
5) Try at least 4 new recipes.
* See aforementioned meal rut status*
6) Write/Journal everyday.
* Because I have important things to say about the very unimportant things I do in life, dammit!
7) Have at least 2 nights out with a friend or friends.
* Apparently being a hermit isn't cool anymore and having conversations with your dog while walking in the neighborhood makes people suspicious of your mental status. Life's little lessons.
8) Hike at least 4 times.
* For physical exercise and to lord it over my husband who will be residing in a place where a speed bump is considered a hike.
9) Deep clean the house.
* Because there is a show called Hoarders now, and you really don't want people to see the things you have unhealthy emotional attachments too.
**Additional plus-having more space in the micro-dot apartment we live in.
10) Work out for a least 2 hours a week.
* Dog walking doesn't count and neither does getting ready really fast because you over slept. ( I swear, I'm not this lazy...all the time.)
11) Get a new haircut.
* Its old, its faded, and I am really, really, REALLY sick of it.
12) Find a 12th resolution.
* Because odd numbers freak me out. Don't judge.
So. That's my list. Will you join me? Will you laugh at me behind my back? Will you not care?
The choice is yours my friends. The choice is yours.
I now leave you with this....
You're Welcome.
Trying to decide...
I'd like to pretend that I am good at making decisions, but i'm not. Presently, I'm trying to decided about this blog; about what i'd like it to be, what it will represent as an extension of myself, its tone and content, etc.
The reality is that it doesn't really matter. It will be random. Sometimes it will be just photos. Sometimes it will be rants. Its for myself, its for those who stumble upon it, its for my sanity.
Thats it.
The reality is that it doesn't really matter. It will be random. Sometimes it will be just photos. Sometimes it will be rants. Its for myself, its for those who stumble upon it, its for my sanity.
Thats it.
Monday, February 14, 2011
C'est ma vie, tout de suite....
Currently playing on my ipod-
Currently on my mind-
Currently wanting-
http://www.etsy.com/listing/60873299/shut-the-front-door-18x22-handmade-sign
Currently missing-
Currently crushing on-
Currently wishing I looked like-
Currently missing-
Currently crushing on-
Currently wishing I looked like-
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